this morning in my feeder, there were two blogs right next to each other. the first had this picture on it. it was called hitting bottom. the second was about the 7 negative people you need to ignore.
and i wish i had read the second a long time ago. because the person you failed to please a hundred times before, the naysayer who dumps on your dreams, the stubborn one who wishes you were someone else, and the unforgiving friend who can never forgive you for your mistakes? they were all the same person. rolled up into one.
and i had to speak out of town, and i prayed and i prayed not to mention my sadness, my bitterness, my feelings about this person who i thought really loved me. i did. it was the hardest pitch i’ve ever done. and at the very end, someone came up and whispered in my ear that they were really glad what i said. about him. and i didn’t have to ask, but they were very supportive.
so. in february. the last day in february. when i asked and begged god to untangle me…He sent me a job. not only a job, but the best job on the planet.
and so this post isn’t about running. or running away. because i stayed. long before i should have left. and i want to be over it, i do. isn’t six months long enough? i dated at first, but then stopped. because i’m not there. i don’t want to be there. i am tired. i gave everything and thought it was the right thing, even though i had red flags all along the way, including the very first night.
i lost friends. some family relationships will never be righted. because of what i thought was right. and it wasn’t.
i did love. i still love. but i don’t ever want to feel that way again. on that day, or about 100 other days identical to it.
this is not a running post.