August has always been special to me, and I never knew why. It was a time when the pressure of Summer and travel and party and water was over. It was not yet time for school, but there was always a sign of renewal in my house. We would start thinking about lunch boxes and notebooks, and even though it was hot, there was this notion of sweaters, and jackets and new school shoes.
Today is what’s called a Cross-Quarter Day. Halfway between Summer and Fall. The air isn’t so horrific, and you can open your windows and doors in the morning. Vacations and vacation clothing is packed away, the pounds gained are dealt with. Students and Teachers start looking ahead. A sense of excitement as I head back to school, coupled with a nagging, “What did I miss and what more can I do?”, accompanies my soul.
This season has been filled with hellos and goodbyes. D. helped me negotiate the dating scene, met me for yogurt at the drop of a hat, pored over “what does this text mean?”, that is common to this two dimensional arena. She helped me weed out the crazy ones, and keep the ones that were promising. We laughed and beached and ate. A trip to Palm Springs, a surprising anchor tattoo that I kept secret all Summer, time well spent with one of my best friends in Texas. I ran a race where I placed 6 out of 26 in my age group. I didn’t announce, as it was a test I wanted to pass in private. My dear college roommate’s mother died, and a reunion of old pals accidentally happened. Sweet B got married overlooking the Pacific Ocean, and I was transported to 40 years of memories at my High School reunion. I am one week away from sending my first born to college in Idaho.
And this thought.
I have protectively guarded my singlehood, stating numerous times that I will never marry again. That I would never do that. Again. That I am “Stands With A Fist”, a movie reference where the little girl was rescued by Kevin Costner’s love. My therapist kept insisting that I had been hurt, while I bravely shouted, “No! I’m not hurt! I’m FINE!” And the tighter I held my fist, the more my hand cramped, the more I realized, yeah. This isn’t working anymore either.
So. Here it is…this Cross Quarter Day. It’s as though the days start to shorten ever so slightly to remind you that Fall is on its way, yet the Sun agrees to keep working all through harvest. I suddenly decide, that yes, I will admit a small quiet desire, one that lives way down deep. That I am open. Yes. I want this. That I will try to love, and I will try not to run away. I will keep my eyes open, because I will recognize him when I find him. I will keep my eyes open, and perhaps in time, my heart will follow suit.
It’s a beginning. It’s something.