I have no idea how this post will go, but I’m going to put it out there.  I’m a little OCD.  Okay, not a little, maybe a lot.  I don’t need medication, so it’s not quite that bad, but it’s like this:  When I get into something, I go all the way.  You would know that from my current running obsession.  It was knitting, cross stitching, teaching PE, teaching Science, teaching English, Body for Life, etc. etc.  Anything God made more than one of, I’m doing it.  I’m a 29 year sober alcoholic.   And I’m having a hard day.


Not a day where I think a drink would help.  Just a hard day.  I just got done with my blog feeds and have eliminated all garbage blogs…such as gossip celebrity sites.  I read them daily.  I laugh, I insult, I cajole.  Until tonight.  I was reading one with such vile crap on a celebrity, including their body parts etc.  Maybe I’m feeling sensitive.  I have sons.  I suddenly realized that this guy has a mother.  And that she could be reading this about her son.  I remember my great grandmother feeding the hobos in Selma (it’s somewhere on this blog), and she said the reason she did it was because somewhere they had a mother. 

Don’t get going on…blah blah blah…he asked for it, he’s a celebrity, it comes with the territory…It’s simply bullshit.  And I’m just tired of the negative crap that I PARTICIPATE in every time by reading, concurring, forwarding.


I’ve just spent the evening with two sad boys.  Their Dad and I have been separated for 14 months.  And just when I think we’re over the hump, over the worst part, it hits again…and they cry.  I cry.  I apologize.  I try to reason with them.  Mostly, I try to comfort them and honor their feelings.


I run in the morning with my partner.  We are trying speed work tomorrow.  Somehow, I think I’m turning a corner in my life.  I have been getting up, praying & meditating, going to work, coming home, feeding and transporting kids, going to meetings.  It feels like it’s all going to change soon, and I don’t know why I feel that.  Perhaps I’m just a little too introspective tonight.  Maybe I’ve been fooling myself that my boys are really NOT okay, and that it’s NOT okay that their life has been jarred. 


My job is on the chopping block.  Supplemental PE went away.  Then it came back.  My boss informed me he wanted me back, but politically they had to open it up to everyone.  17 people applied, and 7 are up for interviews.  That means I have to re-interview.  I had tenure.  But, I was so unhappy.  I was calling Robby (read him at www.robman55.wordpress.com) every day on the way home from work so that he could talk me down from the ledge.  So, I went to this new school district, where I am temporary, and could very well not have a job in the fall. 


I miss the 80s.  I miss the interview with just a principal.  No canned interview questions, just a meeting and look we have a 4th grade position.  Do you want it?  I miss the world when it wasn’t so politically correct.  When we didn’t miss the forest for the trees.  My first interview for Squaw Valley in 1981 was just me and two guys in Reedley.  They said we have this little school in the mountains.  Do you want to go there?  SURE!  (Always say yes).


That’s me.  I always say yes.  I never know where it will lead.  Throw the rock in the pond and see where the ripples go.


I’m feeling stagnant.  And, it scares me.  So, I’ve deleted my blog feeds from the gossip crap.  I always think it’s harmless, mindless fun.  It’s not.  I hurt tonight.


I’m sure I’ll be back to my snarky, mindless posting tomorrow or the weekend…but tonight.  I reflect.


2 thoughts on “smoke on the water

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