Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I’m not gonna be ignored, Dan! *

This is the psycho woman who lives in my head.  Flicking the lights on and off.  Feeling insane.  Feeling out of control and powerless.  And, while I’m not going to be cooking anyone’s bunny, I certainly feel the kind of fear that paralyzes me.  and makes me act out in ways I can’t describe.

No one has ever really said no to me.  Ever.

He said maybe, I said maybe.  Then I said I love you and he said we have too much history, and I’d like to date others, and my brain said panic, and my heart said ouch.  and he said i have to sort this out.

My legs started walking, and he said goodbye…and we made plans, and I don’t know how to do this.  and we talk about our kids and our schedules and bring the kids to the half marathon and let’s get a babysitter and i’m just telling you how i feel.  the truth.  and i told him my truth too.

and we made another date.

I have never dated.  I’ve had relationships.  Lots of relationships.  Married twice, lived with twice, serial relationships, never losing a baton in the pass.

I have no baton. 

And it’s been 2.5 years, and I still have no baton.  And, what do people do who have dinner and a movie?  I do not know how to do this.  Two weeks after i met my first husband, we were engaged. 

I keep telling the little girl inside of me that she will not be left.  And, it’s getting quite painful.

It’s not about the man or a man.  It’s about power.  And, how I don’t have any.  And for now, it will just have to be okay.

This isn’t the usual topic on my blog.  But it’s my blog.  My life.  My heart. 

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*Glenn Close, in Fatal Attraction, as if you didn’t know.

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3 thoughts on “I do not know how to date.

  1. Love how you started this post off. glenn close stopped a lot of folks from cheating (for a short time anyways).

  2. I do not know what to tell you….other than I have good ears…and can listen.

  3. glad you shared. the fear of not having ‘power’ in a relationship is always a failure to realize your own strength and an over-estimation of others power over you.

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