It’s been many moons since I had a thought…a thought that had to do with running, parenting, etc.  I haven’t blogged in a while, mainly because on Aug. 26th of this year, my life hit the skids.  In a big way.  I am a firm believer in writing, so most of it I wrote on a private-my-eyes-only blog.

Suffice it to say, what I thought was my world, my town, my marriage…all of it came crumbling down when I confronted my ex-husband.  For the last 12 years of marriage…well, let’s put it this way:  6 of those years were a scam.  Of epic proportions. 

I’m fairly certain I will not do *that* again, and so I have this little Fleetwood Mac song.  I’ve posted it before, but it’s where I am.  Right now.

What do you do when you get news like this?  You cry, gnash, beg, and lay in your bed conjuring up images.  I have spent the last two weeks barely eating or sleeping.  I have lost 8 pounds.  (and not in the good way, either).  I have walked around at midnight, not understanding any of it.

For years, he told me I was crazy.  That it wasn’t real.  Even when I confronted him about it on a regular basis.  I thought I should have been a better wife, and this wouldn’t be happening.  I prayed to God to help me trust.  I called her, and in true soap opera style, confronted her.  She denied it.  She couldn’t *confirm or deny* that it happened.  However, it did.  For 8 years.  Since my boy was 1.5 years old.  He’s 9.5.  Do the Math.

Let me tell you what it’s like being in a very small town.  I go to school events, church events, and even trying to go to the market is a chore.  I can’t breathe, mainly.

The day I found out, I doubled over.  I took two days off of work.

I can forgive almost anything, because I’ve never been one to claim perfection.  What I cannot forgive is the ongoing betrayal…and trying to convince me I was psycho.

Because now?  Now, I am.

I am trying to run.  I see the Nike Women’s Marathon looming.  It taunts me.  I must do the dreaded 20 miler this weekend.  I will, but I’m aching.  All over.

This morning I ran.  And, I fell.  On my knees, my hands, my cheek.  And I cried the tears that are trapped in my heart.  This is only the beginning.  It’s only been two weeks, but it feels like forever, and it feels like I will never have my old life back again. 

I’m waiting.  Healing is right around the corner.  But, for now.  Now, I grieve.

Thanks for reading.

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16 thoughts on “Blogging my heart

  1. There are no words that will comfort what you are going through. All I can say is I care, we all care, you are a member of our community and your health in all ways is important to us. If you wish we can talk, or write, if you want it more private DM. The least we can provide is time for you and maybe some words of comfort.

  2. So sorry for the grieving and aching that you are experiencing. The only thing I can think of that can be of any comfort (maybe?) is that you are completely right to feel this way and that you are completely normal to be going through this agony.

    I hope that the grieving shall pass soon and that the healing can begin for you.

  3. I don’t even know what to say, so I will say what running-blogger-pals are supposed to say. You go do that 20 miler. You hit it and you run it mad. And you leave all that anger, hurt, and hate on the road. And then, next week, you see what next week brings. But, you can look back and say “I can run 20 miles.” Until you run 20 miles, you don’t know how cool that is.

    Then you run 26.2.

  4. You’ve got guts…building your new (at least work) life in the midst of all this…don’t know how you do that, day-to-day, but it’s your new foundation.

    Like running I guess it’s “one foot in front of the other” sometimes and there’s a goal, behind you.

    My thoughts are with you.

  5. Every day forward is a day leaving this behind, sometimes our journeys visit places we didn’t want to go but they are never our destinations, better places lay ahead.

  6. you are so strong and wonderful, and you are not crazy. my heart goes out to you in this terrible and difficult time. just know that people here love you and support you. and never forget that you will rise from this a better person.

    best wishes.

  7. You will get through this, this horrible, painful time. Running will help. It’s theraputic and something you have control over.

  8. Pingback: 15.5 « Gymnotes
  9. I’ve been there-in a divorce and an asshole boyfriend walking out on me while I was at work! I feel your pain! It isn’t easy at all! It will take you however much time to finally be free! But you will be free! You will find yourself and you will be happy and proud of yourself!!!

    After years I have found myself! I am still a bit bitter about being walked out on while I was at work. Gotta love coming home from work to an empty house! But I have tried to find everything positive out of it! You must do the same thing!!! You have your health. You have your kids, you have a job and you have your running! Look at all the positive things you have in your life right now!!! Embrace YOU!!! You are wonderful!!!

  10. You’ve got a lot of good responses and true support. I don’t exactly know your pain,but I have been through a similar experience. My faith in Christ and my family and friends have helped me pull through. I don’t know if this will apply to you,but watch out for depression. Years of turmoil can take it’s toll–I ended up having to go on an anti-depressant,anti-anxiety med. I say this not to draw attention to myself,but to make you aware. Years after the pain God has given me a wonderful girlfriend. I will pray for you.

  11. Your story sounds so similar to mine, it’s eerie. It may not seem like it right now, but you will survive. I did, by the grace of God, and you will too.

    Now, go run your heart out!

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