It’s been many moons since I had a thought…a thought that had to do with running, parenting, etc. I haven’t blogged in a while, mainly because on Aug. 26th of this year, my life hit the skids. In a big way. I am a firm believer in writing, so most of it I wrote on a private-my-eyes-only blog.
Suffice it to say, what I thought was my world, my town, my marriage…all of it came crumbling down when I confronted my ex-husband. For the last 12 years of marriage…well, let’s put it this way: 6 of those years were a scam. Of epic proportions.
I’m fairly certain I will not do *that* again, and so I have this little Fleetwood Mac song. I’ve posted it before, but it’s where I am. Right now.
What do you do when you get news like this? You cry, gnash, beg, and lay in your bed conjuring up images. I have spent the last two weeks barely eating or sleeping. I have lost 8 pounds. (and not in the good way, either). I have walked around at midnight, not understanding any of it.
For years, he told me I was crazy. That it wasn’t real. Even when I confronted him about it on a regular basis. I thought I should have been a better wife, and this wouldn’t be happening. I prayed to God to help me trust. I called her, and in true soap opera style, confronted her. She denied it. She couldn’t *confirm or deny* that it happened. However, it did. For 8 years. Since my boy was 1.5 years old. He’s 9.5. Do the Math.
Let me tell you what it’s like being in a very small town. I go to school events, church events, and even trying to go to the market is a chore. I can’t breathe, mainly.
The day I found out, I doubled over. I took two days off of work.
I can forgive almost anything, because I’ve never been one to claim perfection. What I cannot forgive is the ongoing betrayal…and trying to convince me I was psycho.
Because now? Now, I am.
I am trying to run. I see the Nike Women’s Marathon looming. It taunts me. I must do the dreaded 20 miler this weekend. I will, but I’m aching. All over.
This morning I ran. And, I fell. On my knees, my hands, my cheek. And I cried the tears that are trapped in my heart. This is only the beginning. It’s only been two weeks, but it feels like forever, and it feels like I will never have my old life back again.
I’m waiting. Healing is right around the corner. But, for now. Now, I grieve.
Thanks for reading.