*Lyrics from Sympathy For The Devil, by The Rolling Stones
I’m not sure how to start this post. Or if I even should. I have enjoyed relative anonymity in my town, but I know there are some who may read this blog…however, I check my stats, and don’t see a connection to my town. For the people who’ve read this blog from it’s inception, you’ll know that it started out as a teaching blog, then a PE blog, then an “oh-my-God-my-life-just-fell-apart-blog”, to a divorce blog, and finally…in it’s current state, a running blog. Essentially it’s been about me, and who I am…or who I am becoming in the Now.
I have written about this here. When my world absolutely fell apart. Even though we had been divorced, the revelation that infidelity had also hit my home, nearly knocked me to the ground. I was in the middle of Nike Marathon training, and I simply…stopped running. I briefly put it out on my blog again. Telling the story in a non-descript, vague and anonymous way. I finished the marathon, I worked damned hard. I didn’t sleep for a long time.
And…and, then one day…I did. I turned a corner. I stopped writing about it. My ex husband and I decided that we would do whatever we could to protect our children…which in a small town of 15,000 means shutting the hell up about it. I told 4 close friends who were not of the native Dutch. I told no one else in town. He told no one else.
It took my three months. I embraced the principles in The Power of Now. I wrote and read and prayed and listened. I learned these two important things: that we create our own pain, and can learn to live fully in the present, and that drama is not accepting what *is*. Right now.
I can live in the Now. When I’m at my best, I am fully present in this moment…which is where I try to stay. Until tonight.
*She* started talking. To her friends, told her husband. And he told his friends, and now those very friends…the ones who are the Christians, the ones who claim to have forgiveness and redemption. They have now started to ostracize him. He has lost business, customers. Old friends have started to spread rumours that he really isn’t trustworthy in anything…or that he was a bad employee.
This is a woman who had five random affairs before my ex-husband. Who had one-night stands and quickies. Who would never leave her husband because she has no marketable skills. Who sat across from my family in church for 12 years. Who followed us to church, to the pizza parlor…who came to my home when I was in my private practice…who followed my mother when she was in town…Who was my babysitter…my housekeeper…and yet. yet. she never felt remorse. …who continues to call my ex-husband. who called me and wanted to have coffee (um, no)…
Whatever she told her husband was her version of what happened. On the day that I confronted her, she denied everything. I told her, you know what’s the worst part? I knew, and you tried to make me crazy…her response? Well, Linda…you WERE crazy. Huh.
She doesn’t feel bad. She never felt bad. and. now, because he won’t have contact with her, she has set about her mission to destroy him via her husband and the local farmers. These are men who have known our family forever…who have been at my childrens’ baptisms, our wedding, birthday and Christmas parties. And now…they are vicious gossip mongers.
Perhaps three months ago, I would have felt the same. But tonight, I don’t….
My challenge tonight is to discern whether or not I am to allow my ex husband to walk through his own dark valley. (This is not co-dependency. I fully realize he has to accept consequences on his own…) My challenge tonight is to stay in my business and not call up her husband and explain the five other (maybe more) random sexual encounters that his wife has had. My challenge is to be quiet. To live right now. To accept that people will hurt you and your family, especially when they need to save their own skin.
I am so grateful that I have forgiven him. Because love does not make sense. Just because it happened does not mean I loved him any less. I have forgiven him, and I pray that he finds someone wonderful who will love him totally. This only happens because I have a God who is all…everything. And, because I worked damned hard to process every feeling that came up on this journey.
I’m in a good place…just for tonight. Tomorrow is another day. I only hope that the day comes when I will be at complete peace…when I won’t hate fake Christians, who use Jesus as a tool to soothe themselves when it’s convenient…when I can truly live in the now.
Until then, I continue to trudge.
What would you do?