Sitting here on a Saturday night, planning tomorrow’s 12 miler.  Baking banana bread.  Doing laundry.  Dogs sleeping somewhere in the house.  Christmas decorations still in the garage, ready to go in the rafters.

And somehow, I thought it would be different.

I thought I would spin out yet another relationship.  Meet, Marry, Repeat.  Because.  I was 30 the first time I divorced.  The world was my smorgasboard.  The men were prolific.  Silly, fun.  Still young enough to wear tank tops and go braless, and flip flops to the market.  I was the kind of teacher who could take a week off with her current boyfriend to just go…and do what you do when you’re able.

So, I am two weeks shy of a 3 year separation.  And.  I thought it would be different.  I thought I’d be dating.  I thought a new man would suddenly appear, and I wouldn’t have to go to one of those dating sites because you know…GOD should put him in my path right?  (Sidenote, eharmony said I was *stable*, after I took their test.  I knew then that it was bullshit) I would be getting ready to go out to an adult date.  Whatever that is.  Whatever adults do on dates.  Opera? Line Dancing? I have no idea.

The fact that there are 2 boys involved here make it so much less easy to try to get *out there*.  I don’t want to disparage their dad.  I don’t know.  I don’t want them to have to pick.  To have a step-dad or step-mom’s boyfriend or whatever it’s called. 

I walk through my house some days…the house that I’m losing, and I think I need to stay here.  I have put so much into this…but there are ghosts.  Marriage voodoo, leftover bad mamajama in certain rooms.  No amount of sage & praying will remove the room where I confronted him about the affair he said he wasn’t having.  Or where we had countless arguments about how I couldn’t move on.  About how I couldn’t let go.

There are days that I want the house.  And days when I can’t wait to leave.  Wherever we go, we have a lot of baggage, furniture, a room full of old toys and books that my boys can’t bear to give away, no matter how many trips to Salvation Army I beg them to take with me.  I have their college fund in Thomas the Tank Engine.  We have dogs.  Expensive, fence eating dogs.

But, I thought it would be different.  That I would have moved on, moved in, or established something new.  I thought I was 30.  Twenty years later, divorce is different.  For many reasons.

So, I bake my bread for brunch with the girls tomorrow.   I fold laundry and watch a movie, and take the time to wash my hair after the spa. 

I’m not waiting for a man to complete me.  I’m complete, and happy.  I’m just ready.  Where is he?

8 thoughts on “I thought it’d be different

  1. Ms V…

    I know I am only 32 and have yet to live what you have lived, but your post was amazing and struck a chord.

    Take care hon!

  2. OMG! Your post is just so amazing!

    I had my engagement called off just over a year ago now. We were just 3 months away from the wedding and it was about 1/2 paid for. This was to be my 2nd, his 1st. I am a single parent, he childless. It just fell apart and so did I. I spiraled into a deeeeeeep depression, intensified by having been laid off just a week before we were to start a “trial separation”. For the first half of 2009, I had to be all but forcibly removed from my apartment, and my poor daughter had to live through it, too.

    Over a year later, I have moved on in some ways, and still dwell in others. But, I read your post and I know that I have made progress and that I AM happy with my life as it is and there’s nothing wrong with at least wanting more!

    I would love to sit and have a cup of coffee and just enjoy the day with you! Amazing woman!

  3. I haven’t been through what you have, but this was a very well written statement of how we all feel about different things in life. I hope that you can find the steps soon that will bring you more joy and peace

  4. Here her to being complete!!! You and I have walked the same path!! I was married and divorced around 30..the only difference, I wasn’t married to the guy that walked out on me! But we had talked about it! And I too have a kid and a dog!

    But, I am a much stronger and happier person now than I have EVER been!!! And you sound like you have reached that point! Not that I wouldn’t love a man in my life-but we are complete! We are strong women!! We are self sufficient mothers! We are powerful, strong and healthy and have amazing friends around us!!

    I want you to embrace your life and want you have! You have 2 amazing kids!! You run and are healthy!! You have a job! You have friends-both real and virtual! YOU ARE WOMAN!! Lets hear you ROAR!!!

  5. I don’t have anything too profound to say. Sometimes it’s not a matter of not being happy with yourself it’s just I think that some people aren’t meant to be single for the rest of their lives. I try not to look at other people to find the answers for myself–each person is unique and what works for someone else could be poison for me. I’ve been divorced now for 4 years and finally met that someone special–someone who truly loves me and who I truly love. Of course finding that special someone also presents some challenges,but I’m proud to say that on July 2 we are set to get married each of us for the second time. I pray that the Lord will continue to strengthen you and give you guidance. God Bless.

  6. Touching post Linda. Very touching. I can’t imagine the feeling, but I still can empathisze. Chin up and start looking about mile 20. Any 50 yo single guys past that distance has the mental fortitude to be successful in life – not just professionally, but personally as well. Plus you know something already about his work ethic. I wish I knew someone in that boat for you!

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