I’ve never had insomnia.  Ever.  I usually sleep very well.  Then Friday hit.  Bad news in the mail with an 11 miler planned the next day.  I was up until 2am trying desperately to sleep:

  • Close your eyes.
  • Toss
  • Turn
  • Look at clock
  • Panic because you have to be up in 6 hours, then 5, then 4, then…you’re not getting up.
  • Play Words with Friends
  • Watch your East Coast friends on Twitter get up and run.

This happened Friday night.  Then Saturday night, when a friend had to peel me off the wall, because for the first time in two years, I let what happened…happen.  Like, I stopped swimming upstream.  Had just finished signing papers after fighting for two years…only to watch it crumble away like sand slipping through my fingers.  And, the Vineman I wanted to go to could not happen. 

And I repeated the night before’s actions.  Until 2:30.  I figured I could sleep in.  But it doesn’t really work that way.  So more tossing and turning.  Turn the TV on, then off.  Read.  Get a drink.

On Sunday I planned those 11 miles.  And it didn’t happen.  I laid in the pool hoping I wasn’t going to lose all of my fitness.  My kids came home.  We had a party at the house, and cake was left, and then I was eating sugar straight of the edges of the icing.  And planned to run.  Again.  Maybe tomorrow.

Monday morning came and went.  Last night I had ice cream.  And was up until 3am.  Pondering my life and my home and my kids and my direction.  And knew I wouldn’t run today either.

My eyes flew open at 7am.  As my blog tag says, “If not now, when?”  I was exhausted.  I laced up.  I put my clothes on and walked outside.  And I walked to the corner. 

My calves said, “now”.  I ran three junk miles.  And, at the end, my body was screaming for more. 

Tonight, there will be no electronics late.  No TV.  No sugar or caffeine.  I will wake tomorrow and get through this hump to begin again.

6 thoughts on “If not now, WHEN?

  1. You will get through this hump because its what you do!!!! And if you need support, just ask……

    Hey, I learn from the best and that’s you Ms. V!!!! I hope it all works out honey!!!! I want you running HAPPY!!!!

  2. insomnia sucks.
    i struggle with it because my poor body is so confused working the vampire shift and then switching back to daylight mommy hours.
    i’m glad you did get out and run today. it is one step away and over this hump for you.
    good luck!

  3. Chin up Linda. It’s always darkest before the dawn, and all those other trite sayings.

    Life is a lot like those races we run. Remember what happended to you in L.A. You finished right?

  4. Linda: Your a strong woman, we all need to crumble sometimes if not just to release but to let it remind us that we are strong and able to pull ourselves BACK UP… You’ll pull through it.
    Insomnia sucks, having no control over the outside – sucks. Keeping yourself motivated and in control of you? Does NOT. So do what you can, when you can and don’t beat yourself too hard when you don’t achieve it all.

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