I’ve been pondering writing this post for some time now, ever since the Harley man and I started seeing each other, and started dating. I never was clear as to how to put it into writing, because I didn’t want anyone to think, well, that I was crazy. (Not that I care, but you know…)
I’ve been plagued in the past with extreme jealousy, and it turns out, I had it with good reason. Those of you who’ve been reading this blog know the back story, but suffice it to say, I am usually in the dark about someone’s faithfulness. I never think they will be dishonest or cheat, so I’m usually blown away when it happens. Because it usually does, in one form or the other.
Lucky for me, I meet Harley guy, who is one of the most honest people I know. We are also adults, so both of us have had prior relationships, marriages, children, LIFE. And I know and he knows that we are not immune to outside influence of other men and women…In addition, we never say things like “You’re the only one I’ve ever loved”, or “I’ve never felt like this”, or “This has never happened”, because when you’re in your 50’s, you probably have experienced great highs and lows in love, and as such, you’re not a wide eyed 20 year old.
We’ve come up with a system. I like it a lot, and in response to SingleMommyHood’s post today, I thought I’d share it…plus I got Harley Guy’s permission in hopes that it could possibly save a relationship.
The system is much like the terrorist alert system of Homeland Security…except that those aren’t terrorists. The only way it works, however, is if you are aware of the people in YOUR life that threaten your relationship. They are other people. It works like this. You see attractive men and women everywhere. If you have had a problem with jealousy or envy or faithfulness, this will help you determine how safe other people are
· GREEN: A person who is coded green is safe. You are not attracted to him, nor he to you. It’s maybe like the history teacher who’s really nice, but you have zero interest or flirting or attraction. He is green. He is the safest of the group.
· YELLOW: A yellow is someone who is interested in you, but you are not interested in them. Yellow is someone who might wink at you, or pour you a cup of coffee at a meeting, or has made suggestive “water cooler” type comments. “You look really nice today”, is an example of this. You have zero intention to them, but they are sort of…interested.
· ORANGE: It’s imperative you understand this. Orange happens when YOU have some type of attraction or interest to the person whether or not they feel the same back and this is the person you find yourself drawn to…you’re making little jokes, flirty comments, etc. You are convinced that nothing would ever happen, but if you were available…it might be a different story.
· RED: Red alerts are scary. This is someone with whom you’ve had prior intimate contact, or someone who alerts you so strongly that you know you shouldn’t be alone with him. Like ever. Reds are people who continue to come after you even though you’ve told them to stop. When I told an old boyfriend of my new Harley guy, he kept emailing me saying “He’s not for you.” Clearly he had other intentions. But, he was RED.
The system only works if each partner takes responsibility for the alerts. You don’t get on a plane without going through security, and you should be aware at some level that people you deal with on a daily basis can be threats to your relationships. My problem was that I never thought of other women as threats. “They would never do that to me.” Well, they don’t. They do it to themselves.
The goal of the Alert System is to be present. To be aware. To be real. To know your limits, and take responsibility for security measures. I guess if you want your relationship to be secure, you need to know that you are not immune to terrorists of any sort.
To answer the question, how do you know!!?? You don’t. You only know your level of honesty. That is what is in your control…