so the other day, my foot starts to twinge. i had not used the boot prescribed to me, and had worn through the bottom of the cast. i even ran across the street once with the cast. clearly, i am not treating my foot like it has a stress fracture.
i’m told by my bff that doctors put casts on runners because we will take off the boot and run. i get that.
the bottom was so worn through, that the technician had to double cast, double stuff, and essentially create a new cast on top of the old one.
she starts to mini-scold me and says, “you know, it won’t heal properly unless you give it the 100% time it takes that is necessary.
last night i’m on the phone and i am resisting this cast thing, and i am counting 3 weeks and 4 days and i just want to be healed already. but i’m not in charge. all i’m in charge of doing is following the doctor’s direction.
but i want it done. i want to run.
and it dawned on me.
because i tried to do something else too early this week too. before the proper healing i need, i decided that my heart was fine, thank you very much, and i will do what i want, and ignored direction to just …heal. i spent time with someone before i could. and i thought i would be fine. i don’t need the boot, and look ! i can even run across the street.
well. it turned out great. but he knows i’m not ready, and i’m not…having given my heart so fully after 4 years of singledom, i am simply not ready to get out of the cast yet. because even just testing out the waters bubbled up sorrow that i was ignoring.
and i was able to say, no thank you. not yet. not now. and i never say that. i say what you want to hear, i ignore the orders, and i do what i want…it’s only later when i have this twinge, that i run back to the doctor to get more fiberglass. the healing laughter of friends hoss and cherry, they soothe me more than i can say. and texts with my bff in another time zone, and talks with sisters, and unwinding my writing…this is the salve of my recovery.
his response was amazing. i felt heard. and blessed. and cared for.
i simply have nothing to give, nothing to offer. because my heart, like my middle cuneiform…it just needs rest and recovery.
when i run again, my feet will fly, and i will again feel the excitement of being out there.
and so it goes with my heart.
until then. i’m in the cast, and i wait.