so the other day, my foot starts to twinge.  i had not used the boot prescribed to me, and had worn through the bottom of the cast.  i even ran across the street once with the cast.  clearly, i am not treating my foot like it has a stress fracture.

i’m told by my bff that doctors put casts on runners because we will take off the boot and run.  i get that.

the bottom was so worn through, that the technician had to double cast, double stuff, and essentially create a new cast on top of the old one.

she starts to mini-scold me and says, “you know, it won’t heal properly unless you give it the 100% time it takes that is necessary.

last night i’m on the phone and i am resisting this cast thing, and i am counting 3 weeks and 4 days and i just want to be healed already.  but i’m not in charge.  all i’m in charge of doing is following the doctor’s direction.

but i want it done.  i want to run.

and it dawned on me.

because i tried to do something else too early this week too.  before the proper healing i need, i decided that my heart was fine, thank you very much, and i will do what i want, and ignored direction to just …heal.  i spent time with someone before i could.  and i thought i would be fine.  i don’t need the boot, and look ! i can even run across the street.

well.  it turned out great.  but he knows i’m not ready, and i’m not…having given my heart so fully after 4 years of singledom, i am simply not ready to get out of the cast yet.  because even just testing out the waters bubbled up sorrow that i was ignoring.

and i was able to say, no thank you.  not yet.  not now.  and i never say that.  i say what you want to hear, i ignore the orders, and i do what i want…it’s only later when i have this twinge, that i run back to the doctor to get more fiberglass.  the healing laughter of friends hoss and cherry, they soothe me more than i can say.   and texts with my bff in another time zone, and talks with sisters, and unwinding my writing…this is the salve of my recovery.

his response was amazing.  i felt heard.  and blessed. and cared for.

i simply have nothing to give, nothing to offer.  because my heart, like my middle cuneiform…it just needs rest and recovery.

when i run again, my feet will fly, and i will again feel the excitement of being out there.

and so it goes with my heart.

until then.  i’m in the cast, and  i wait.

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4 thoughts on “i feel a metaphor coming on.

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