i had to do this again. this swallowing of the pride, and going where i did not want to go.

i had to ask again, and sat there and bawled while she told me how i was going to live for the next month.

i cried for two hours as i made my way through the system yesterday.

i did this a few years ago, and it was novel, and fresh, and i was just learning how to swim in that pond.

but for the first time in my life i had to get that little card that would give me food…

and i stood there while they issued it to me, and i cried, and they said pick a pin number and i simply.

could not.

my hand was shaking, and they were waiting patiently, while giving me the dignity i needed.

no stares, just waiting.

then i had to go and get a medical plan, and that nearly set me back.

i’ve been working since i was 16. i know the system is designed for people like me, but i do not like it.

because i have painted nails, and a guess purse that was given to me

and i just went to palm springs for christ’s sake.

i drove home talking and crying to my little sister all the way. the one who offered me work on her store.

i had spent hours texting my friend who kept reminding me to.

breathe.

and i kept trying and then i would start crying again.

i went to the bank and took out my last penny. and squirreled it away.

i got on my pajamas, took some cold pizza out of the fridge, and curled up into a ball.

i slept.

i remembered how when i was driving home late one night this week…

how i nearly fell asleep, and when i snapped my eyes open…

i went, damn.

it was scary. to feel that way. like everything was caving in all at once, and i was at rock bottom.

i slept on the bed for hours. dozing on and off. just played seinfeld in the background.

my sponsor. she called me.

and within minutes, we had a plan, we were laughing, and she was reminding me of my purpose in this life.

to be of maximum service to god and his kids. that the sun does rise every morning,

and i am to be right in the middle of life.

and i was reminded that…rock bottom? it has a trap door. and i’m not there.

i have a house, 2 great teenagers who swim fanatically with their buddies as i type this.

i went to the market. i used the card. with $103 dollars.

i buy lots of fun teenager food so as to give the illusion that we have more than we have.

i bake a cake because they are coming back.

and today. it was a new day.

one way or another, i will survive, and it’s not just a donna summer song.

truly. i will survive, and with panache.

day is done.

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One thought on “only one way to go.

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