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it’s been a long time since i’ve posted.

in that time, my boyfriend’s apartment building burned, and i spent 5 days not running or working out, but doing duty packing and moving boxes.  so week 2, well.  it happened this week…on week 3.  a long run and tempo run, punctuated by weight lifting in the gym.

but today.  today, is about teenager stuff.  i rarely blog about it, but i’m saddled with a heaviness this week, and sometimes, i just try to make sense of it in writing.

i’ve had to accept that my children have to deal with someone who was raised by someone who used money to beat him over the head…and now he’s doing that to my children…and they and i sit and they don’t understand, and i don’t try to explain, except to say that it’s gonna be okay.  and the fact that he has to use his own money and buy his own shoes for his first formal…?  well, it’s something he probably won’t ever forget.  or the fact that his dad says he will pay him money, but never does…well.  this is what you have.  and my poor boys.  i look in their confused eyes, and try to just listen.

and i had an epiphany.  my son…my brilliant son said…”mom.  here’s the deal.  if i ask him, i get nothing…and if i don’t ask him i get nothing…so i’m not going to ask.”  wow.  how do you get so wise at 15 years old.  when your mom is on food stamps and pinches the shit out of every nickel…how is it that you still get every single thing that you need?

because.  i’m your mom.  and, in this house, we tell the truth.   except one.  they’ve never ever asked about her.  but they know.  my oldest told me he knows, and he does not want to talk about it.  and so we don’t talk about it, and they tell me things they don’t like and i have to bite a hole in my cheek because she is incredibly pathetic…and arrogant…as if she won something.   you don’t participate in someone’s wedding and then sleep with the then-groom for 8 years.  and then say hello to me.  my boyfriend is amazing.  we just are in shock and awe how supposedly christian people can be so…dark.

raising teenagers is my favorite thing on the planet right now.  these brilliant, amazing black belt boy scouts…with their quirky sense of fun, have made me laugh…whether we are head banging to bohemian rhapsody, or playing texas hold ’em.  they are simply my world right now.  they have taught me more than they will ever know.  about truth and beauty, and how to hold your head up when it’s just…hard.  my youngest the other day held his head in his hands and said, “mom.  this is ridiculous.  he always says you owe him money.”  and i show him the court documents and they read it and chuckle.  because they know.

my boys.  they are my best shot at doing something good on this planet, and i thank my lucky stars every day that god gave me this opportunity.  even when it’s hard.  and lately.  it’s been hard.  but i wouldn’t change a thing.

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6 thoughts on “because. raising teenagers.

  1. Aw Linda, I feel for ya… I have to go to court w/my ex next month to hash out child support issues (i.e. lack thereof)…
    Took my blog private when suspicions were confirmed last month that Ex was reading it – Lord knows I couldn’t give him any form of ammunition! (email for invite)
    After some ugly scenes when Ex dragged our son into this mess, Z seems to have accepted w/more grace, maturity & equanimity than I could imagine… As you say, I wouldn’t trade him for all the tea in China. (& if I don’t get a dime from his father, we’ll still be OK)

  2. Since my boys are grown and out of the house, I am further along in this same process as you. Your boys know already who is always there for them and who supports them no matter what. As they grow into adults and have choices regarding whom they and their families will spend time with… think of the choices they will make….. Something to think about… We still need to meet for coffee. Are you going to FD? We could drive together.

  3. I think kids can have a shitty father and be ok if they
    have a great mom. I’m not as sure about the other way around.
    Anyway, you are a great mom. I’m glad there are people like you out
    there raising fine young people!

  4. That brought back memories of my last few years with my amazing daughter. They know.

    ________________________________

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