A numbness. Then tears. Then numbness. This has been my week. Reconnecting with old friends. Not being able to reach someone I love.
And wondering what he would actually say to me now. I meditated on this tonight as part of a TED talk challenge. This is what I heard:
“Aunt Linda. Stop. Don’t you understand? I’m ok. It had to be this way. And it’s ok.”
Oddly, I didn’t fight this. It felt authentic. Real.
I was no longer scared. I’ve slept 3 hours a night a few times this week, and I was starting to get acquainted with 2am.
I was afraid of the thoughts in my head: How can I get him his shoes? Where are his shoes? I can’t put away some of the hurts of that week. Of my boys. That we had to deal with this on our own. That when they instagrammed and tweeted that they were just doing what they needed. That I don’t want to go on the 101 anymore.
That there most definitely is a hole in the world tonight. And we are adjusting to a world without Matt.
I was just telling Harley Guy that it makes sense not to want to love anymore, because it’s too hard to lose.
Yet. Here I go again.
Oh. I miss him so much.