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I found it.  Our last picture together.  I wanted more.  More reminders of him.  A selfie.  Our one and only.

I remember when Harley Guy and I got together…how long ago?  2010?  And, I was mad about Twitter, and had never done Facebook.  When I finally got a Facebook account, I posted like I tweeted.  A lot.  And I said to him, “Do I post too much?”  His response was, “There’s never too much.”  I’ve adopted this attitude about social media. Never enough.

Especially now.  I’m almost a month away from the death of my nephew.  Death.  It does not roll off my tongue.  I hate it.  I resist it.  But.  He died.  And, I’m trying to make sense of it. His sweet girlfriend finds me on Facebook.  For the last 24 hours, Matt has come alive for me.  Things I didn’t know about him.  Wonderful messages about his life, his loves and his passions.  She opened up her pictures to me, and I have been more thrilled than I thought I could be.

Because there’s never enough.

I think to myself, well.  You weren’t his mother.  You were only his aunt.  How come you are crying again?  It’s been almost a month.  Can you NOT GET A GRIP??

Then I realize.  I’ve embraced this grief.  I’ve embraced it because I know that to close it down, will be to shut down and lock a piece of my heart away, forever.  Matt was a shooting star that I couldn’t catch.  A Dodger lover.  An animal lover.  Saving lives on the Kitty Hawk.  A father.  My nephew.

As I watched the Dodgers lose tonight, and am currently listening to the 12th inning of the Giants-Phillies game, I went through every picture I have on my computer. Starting in 2006.  55 images.  Matt, his daughter, my parents, my kids.  All of the pictures nestled deep in this slideshow make this boy come alive for me once again.  And for once, tonight, I am not trying to figure out a way I could have inserted myself in the picture… to save him on the night that he died.

There is never enough.  Take all the pictures.  Post them.  Share them.  Because some day, like tonight, you will be grateful that you did.


IMG_0113Our last picture together.  2013 Holidays.

2 thoughts on “never too much.

  1. grief seems to wash over us like waves….I will be standing somewhere, all busy and happy and suddenly think of Fred…out of nowhere….and there is that little nip at my heart…so post and write and grieve…you need to do so without any worries..

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