be brave

i was in church today, and a crying baby was being comforted in his mom’s arms in the pew ahead of me.  the baby arched, and a decade or more flashed before my eyes, as i remembered him crying in MY arms all those years ago.

and she.  she came and got him from me.  the she that sat two rows behind our family with her family who appeared like an angel to help me.  to help me with my crying baby. and all the years she helped with them and then when finally realized that she.  well, she had another agenda.

and i sat there looking at this baby, and wanted to help this mom with three other babies, but i was frozen in another time frame.  impotent to help.

and i started to hurt.  the way down in my chest hurt.  the realization that he will be going to college in a mere five months.  he has chosen a western state far away, and i suddenly realized that i’ve been telling him for years that he will find this really cool and interesting life and path, and i was ready to release him to you, the world.  his future.

and then. last night crying that deep down mom cry.   i’m not ready.  every fiber of my being wants to tell him to stay and go to junior college, and that it will be really fun, and every other part of me knows that he.  he has to go.

go far from the ugly divorce that never seems to end.  to the empty college purse that his father spent, and to find and forge his own new way.  he has to go find his truths.  his way.

but there i stood watching that crying baby, and all i wanted to do was hold my own.  feel that small body holding my hair, my earrings, head on my shoulder.

that time i had a private therapy practice in our town, and i rolled into our driveway after a long night, and he …a three year old..said… mom.  you were talking to the people, and i knew you would come back.  you always come back.

and i did and i do.

and now i have to get ready to fling him to you.  it’s a while, yet.  but please.  please take care of my boy.  and boy.  you.  please be brave.

i thought it would be easier.