2016 is coming to an end. I have spent it dating, and Tindering, and being very non-committal. I decided in the beginning of this year, that I would never ever give myself over unless I was madly and crazy in love. Unless I had decided that this was the one. The final one. I went about dating with verve, and refused to be intimate unless I was in love. I reconnected with old loves, but the old could not be shaken. I was unwilling to fall back into something unless I chose it.
But this year. I didn’t like it. I was untethered on purpose. I thought I was choosing light connections. I ran when I felt smothered. I had a hard time committing past a first date.
So. I stayed alone. I wandered my teeny tiny bungalow, and became familiar with late night TV, old books, my neighborhood. I met with friends, but I decidedly avoided any whiff of romance for fear of rejection. and perhaps closeness.
Along about June, I panicked. I couldn’t get close. I became fearful that it would never change. I decided that I should just pack it in. For the first time in many years, I have been eager for New Years to come. Please come quickly.
And I have goals.
I want someone who is kind and generous. Patience. Consideration and compromise. I want to know that he chose me, and will continue to do so. I’m tired of the old story: the affairs, the caustic sarcasm of a mate you just don’t dig. I’m tired of starting and stopping. I want someone who understands that the little things matter: which fork to use, opening the door. I have a goal to not put too much into something that is filled with holes.
I want to be lucky. And I want him to be too.
From going all the way from nothing, to opening my heart just a tiny crack. Going from no-way-never, to yes-perhaps and please.
I want to drop the fear. DROP. DROP. DROP.
and even as I type, my chest aches, as if making this decision to hope will be so stupid.
And i just think i should try. Just this once.