keep-on-hoping2016 is coming to an end.  I have spent it dating, and Tindering, and being very non-committal.  I decided in the beginning of this year, that I would never ever give myself over unless I was madly and crazy in love.  Unless I had decided that this was the one.  The final one.  I went about dating with verve, and refused to be intimate unless I was in love.  I reconnected with old loves, but the old could not be shaken.  I was unwilling to fall back into something unless I chose it.

But this year.  I didn’t like it.  I was untethered on purpose.  I thought I was choosing light connections.  I ran when I felt smothered.  I had a hard time committing past a first date.

So. I stayed alone.  I wandered my teeny tiny bungalow, and became familiar with late night TV, old books, my neighborhood.  I met with friends, but I decidedly avoided any whiff of romance for fear of rejection. and perhaps closeness.

Along about June, I panicked.  I couldn’t get close.  I became fearful that it would never change.  I decided that I should just pack it in.  For the first time in many years, I have been eager for New Years to come.  Please come quickly.

And I have goals.

I want someone who is kind and generous. Patience.  Consideration and compromise. I want to know that he chose me, and will continue to do so.  I’m tired of the old story: the affairs, the caustic sarcasm of a mate you just don’t dig.  I’m tired of starting and stopping.  I want someone who understands that the little things matter: which fork to use, opening the door.  I have a goal to not put too much into something that is filled with holes.

I want to be lucky.  And I want him to be too.

From going all the way from nothing, to opening my heart just a tiny crack.  Going from no-way-never, to yes-perhaps and please.

I want to drop the fear.  DROP. DROP. DROP.

and even as I type, my chest aches, as if making this decision to hope will be so stupid.

And i just think i should try.  Just this once.

Again.

 

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