It’s 3am on Valentine’s Day.

This is the day I did not want to write about.  It’s not really about Saba.  It’s about meeting myself.

I leave the meeting of like minded fellows, of which there are four of us.  I had gone snorkeling that day.  Swam with a Sea Turtle.  A barracuda, who eyed me suspiciously.  I had done the whole “leave your phone behind” thing, but now wish I could have captured the BLUE BLUE BLUE of the Caribbean Sea surrounding Saba.  I couldn’t look away from the COLOR.

On this boat were five divers, and four snorkelers.  We head out to the Bay, and for the first time in 25 years, I am underwater, and I cannot stop.  I cannot stop looking. I don’t want to come up for air.

On this ride, however, I had a can of Pringles.  That’s it.  That night, I had a bag of sweet potato chips.  That’s it.  And some herbal tea.

It’s 3am.  I have been battling ants and anger and bugs for 4 hours.  And hurting.  And lonely.  I called United.  I called my sponsor.  How do I get off this island?  GET ME HOME!  I was crazy.  Truly.  I need my people.  I need to re-engage with my life and my energy!! I finally reactivated Facebook, saying, listen, if these are fake friendships, then let me have them.  I don’t give a shit.

I am not alone.   But I am.  Then, this quote by James Joyce:

“Think you’re escaping and run into yourself.  Longest way round is the shortest way home.”

It’s the only way.  The long way.  I had to come 3600 miles to face the woman that I am.  I am not alone.  Here’s something.  I saw this beautiful piece of jewelry on my friend Jo, and I said, I can’t wear that, because I have a bad neck, and she says, “You don’t have a bad neck, you have a bad head.”

This is my thought running through my head at 3am.  My head.

I finally, gratefully, fall asleep at 4am.  I miss the morning rain that everyone is raving about at breakfast.  However.  I’ve had my own storm.  And just like the morning after.  I am at peace.

Finally. Peace.

I wake in the morning, and buy the necklace.