i will love you

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I’m not a fan of angels. I mean, I like the concept. That someone is watching over you, and helping God do his work. Or something like that. It’s not the angels I have a problem conceptualizing. It’s their wings. They freak me out. Like, do you just grow wings when you die and fly around the heavens all day? This idea just doesn’t work for me.

I watched a video the other day of stairs going up to heaven, and the angel getting wings and I just had this adverse reaction to it. It’s like I think that Matt isn’t really into that yet. Like at what point do you grow them? You can see the problem.

So. Yoga.

I found a yoga studio when I first moved to Modesto, and I ended up going a few times a week. I loved it. Hot yoga by its mere location…and it was something sorta kitschy and fun, and a break from running while I figured out new routes. Then, when Matt died, I would sob in my classes. At the end, when you are flat and meditating, I would just bawl. The owner of the shop extended my registration due to being out of town 2 times. A lovely studio and people.

You’re to set an intention for every practice. Shortly after his death, I would just numbly stare at the wall with no intention at all, except to get through the hour without becoming a mess.

So, last night, I was thinking about when Matt became a Shellback. There’s an initiation of sorts when you cross the equator, and you have to do all these humiliating sorts of things. Silly fraternity type things. You enter as a pollywog, and leave as a Shellback. You gotta get an olive or a cherry out of a belly button of some big dude acting as King Neptune. With your mouth. You gotta crawl through vomit, these sorts of things.

As I was leaning down to do Warrior 3, a pose I can never do, I heard that word. WARRIOR. And I thought of how my nephew probably had to pull out all of his warrior inner strength to get through that initiation. I felt the strength. I felt him holding me in my pose, and encouraging me to stand strong. I didn’t shake. And each time I got in that position for the rest of the hour, I FELT HIM.

As we held our last meditative position, I saw him in his dress whites. On a ship. Standing strong. I imagined saying to him, “Hey don’t pull any of that angel shit. I just am not seeing it.” And he stood strong. And said, “Aunt Linda, you’re gonna be okay. But, I have to go. I have to.” And he was at peace. And strong. A warrior. A brave man, who I happen to think is gone to soon. But. I’m not in charge of the universe apparently.

He stood on the deck of the ship. It started sailing and I was not happy. Tears were streaming down my face. My yoga teacher rubbed my temples, as she does to all at the end of the practice. I cried right into her fingers. And he smiled. And I said.

I will love you.

Okay, so angels. No. I prefer him to be helping stray animals. To be strong for new people coming in to heaven. To direct others where to go. I imagine he is in charge of finding the right place for newbies to get initiated into the next spiritual journey. But. There will be no wings on this boy.

I see him forever in his dress whites. Standing at honor. And, finally. At peace.

*Wake up, check that off of some list*

Wondering about this new little app from iPhone. Practicing my coolness with blogging off the site. WordPress, you’ve done it again! Good stuff.

{{{{skipping off to check to see how it looks online}}}}

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That is my goofy dog Chet, and yeah, I posted that from my iPhone.  UUber coolness!!

  • If you aren’t convinced yet, Razzdoodle, go and get one.  Tout de suite!  I have last year’s model, but just updated everything.  Man, this is one thing I missed while I was gone…blogging.  I had to stay connected via the internet, but now with the app, I’m sorry, it’s just great.  Yeah, I’m geeky this way.
  • I’ve spent the better part of three days with customer service, reps, technicians…all trying to get the Internet, TV and Telephone to work.  We were offline yesterday, so I baked Peanut Butter/Choc chip cookies from scratch.  My Mother-In-Law brought me eggplant and tomatoes, so I made fresh tomato sauce for eggplant parmesean.  Essentially, it was like the old days.  The TV didn’t work, so the boys tore around town on their bikes, and we ended up out for dinner and buying School Supplies.  Yes, I capitalized that.  In our area, school starts August 6th, but they go to private school, so it starts August 20.  I wanted to make sure that they had a good selection.  Target?  Yeah, they had enough.
  • I ran.  Tuesday, after 10 days of Bass Lake and laying around with Fudge Buckets, etc., I finally ran.  It felt wonderful.  With the Susan B Anthony only a few weeks away, I had to get the mojo on.  I stopped training for the Half in November, but will start up again after the next 5K.  There is a boredom factor there, and so I just ran.  (PS-I got a running skirt at Target, and they suck.  They do.  I felt all weird with that fabric across my legs.  I’m old school, gimme some leggings.   I already pre-ordered my SBA one for the run, so I’ll just wear it around.  Cute, but not functional for me.)

My top three songs:

1) I Kissed A Girl:  Katy Perry

2) Sexbomb:  Tom Jones

3) All Your Reasons: Matchbox 20

This seemed to be a themed run, complete with the Dating Game Theme Song (Herb Albert & The Tijuana Brass) [note, it’s really called WHIPPED CREME], School’s Out, by Alice Cooper, and UB40, I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You.  Anyone see a pattern here?  It was all good.  Ended the run with The Boss, Born to Run.  Only 2.7 miles for 30 minutes, but I was happy.

  • Two weeks left of my summer vacation.  God only knows what’s in store for me this year.  The Supt of, as my friend CTG aptly names places, I shall try this.  Let’s call this the District to the East.  I’m sorry, that’s all I’ve got.  Anyway, the District to the East decided not to give me full Counseling years on my contract, thus removing 4-5K on the salary scale that they originally intended.  I’ve been going back and for with the Personnel Supt., who really didn’t know if it had been done before…giving all certificated years (yes, in every district where I’ve worked).  When I said I didn’t know if I could work there, she became irate.  Word on the street is that she will go after a teacher’s credentials if they break a contract.  Yikes.  I’m still waiting on the word.  I believe I’m correct, since the place I’ll be working has some counseling issues for their students.  I’m teaching English in a Continuation School this fall.  More to come on that later.  I’m waiting to see, yet again, how this fleshes out for me.
  • The Stranger, by Billy Joel  Oh my.  1977.  I met my current husband that year, so I was a tad emotional last night.  All that aside, Billy Joel is the 70s to me.  Drinking, Sorority house, Millerton Lake, Fresno State.  (I also bought Bon Jovi, Lost Highway, and Coldplay, Viva La Vida…I usually download, but wow, there is something to be said for the real disk)  My goodness.  Maybe my mood had to do with the next bullet. 
  • My oldest son finally had to call a family meeting last night.  He said we were all cranky because the phones & TV were out.  He ran the meeting, wanting to make sure everyone was able to talk.  Gymnotes #2, in true fashion, kept looking at the scrolling pics on the computer, and Gymnotes #1 kept trying to get him back on track.  I love family meetings.  The only rule?  We tell the truth.

*From Summertime, Bon Jovi*

On why you should always wear lipstick to the market.

My mother told me never never never to go outside in this small town without wearing lipstick.  She said that I must always look good, like this divorce isn’t seriously kicking my ass.  Okay.  So, when I go even to the Hardware store, I always slap some on my lips.

My mother came to visit me this month, when I informed her that my stylist and I decided that I should go gray gradually, because it’s oh-so-expensive to color my hair.  My mother gave me one look and said, “Oh, you WILL find a way to pay for that.”  So, back to Wayne I went with instructions to get the gray out.  Yes people, while Rome is burning, Nero fiddles.

Today, I’m in the market after loads of laundry and cleaning my floor three times this weekend…applying to MORE jobs, etc.  I am walking (WITH lipstick, WITH new hair color), and there is my STBEX’s friend from Hawaii.  I haven’t seen him in years.  He’s in town for some party.  And I looked presentable.  Thankfully.  Thanks, Mom

PS-I then proceeded to get a candy bar and throw it in my cart…for emergencies.  It’s gone already, in case you’re wondering.  It was an emergency.

Saturday Post Part 2:

Robby thought it might be funny to make a copy of my Edjoin Page.  This is the famous CA Teacher’s website, whereby if you have any luck at all, you could find a teaching job.  In many years past, all you might need would be a pulse.  Not today.  With over 300 people applying for one teaching job, it’s getting pretty tight out there.  So, with a nod to Robby, and of course to California Teacher Guy (Read May 8, 2008), who SLAMMED teased me (don’t worry, he’s my friend…) for having too many credentials…here without any further ado, is what I have to offer a school district in Northern CA.  Names have been changed.  Heh.

CLAD.pdf   [ preview ]
 English Learner Authorization
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Cover Letter.pdf   [ preview ]
 Letter of Introduction
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CSET Scores.pdf   [ preview ]
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D**S**** Recommendation.pdf   [ preview ]
 Letter of Recommendation
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 Letter of Introduction
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Limited PE Credential.pdf   [ preview ]
 Credential Copy
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NCLB Health.pdf   [ preview ]
 NCLB Compliance
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NCLB Home Economics pdf.pdf   [ preview ]
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NCLB PE.pdf   [ preview ]
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PPS Credential.pdf   [ preview ]
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R***H***recommendation.pdf   [ preview ]
 Letter of Recommendation
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R****H****** recommendation.pdf   [ preview ]
 Letter of Recommendation
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S**** Letter Of Recommendation.pdf   [ preview ]
 Letter of Recommendation
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Teaching Credential, Single Subject English.pdf   [ preview ]
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Teaching Credential, Single Subject English4.pdf   [ preview ]
 Other
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Teaching Philosophy.pdf   [ preview ]
 Letter of Introduction
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Transcripts.pdf   [ preview ]
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W****R**** recommendation.pdf   [ preview ]
 Letter of Recommendation

 

Yes, Yes.  ’tis all true.

***SIGH***

It Feels Like Forever

Date: 3/26/2008 5:15 PM
Type: Easy
Course: Short Main Street
Distance: 1.87 miles
Duration: 18:56
Pace: 10:08 / mile
Shoe: Asics
Weight: 🙂
Weather: 64° F, Sunny, Windy
Statistics: Calories: 250
VO2 Max: 28.2

I was supposed to run on Easter.  Didn’t do that.  Instead, I had deviled eggs, flank steak, baked potato (with everything), Sees, Sees, Sees.  Didn’t really feel like I could put my body through a run with all of that in me.  Went to Universal.  Had a blast on the Shrek4 show.  Hilarious.

So today, I forced myself to get my shoes out and run.  Truly, it was because of this article:  http://www.bclocalnews.com/opinion/16903871.html  The author hadn’t been running lately, and me not running 5 days felt like FOREVER!  After I read it, I had the boys ride their bikes to Tae Kwon Do, and I took off on this little short hop.  I didn’t do to badly, and again…I am back in the saddle.

First Song of the Day:  Patriotic of course…Pretty soon I’ll have all of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir on my blog…Listen, and tell me this wouldn’t get you pumping.

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To go with it, the flag that flew outside my Mom’s house on Easter.  Actually it flies there every day, but it was a blast with my sister’s and assorted shirttail cousins.  We played Scrabble and Poker on the porch.  i even found a *U* in my purse, so sent it back home to my sister, who now must face a rematch since we didn’t have all the letters! 

 Who could ask for anything more? 

Family, food, games, serving a living Lord, knowing that God is in charge of my life.

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New words I learned:

Pounder

Ex

Oxo

Next time, next time…

 

3-27 edit:  I re-read my post.  The living Lord part sounds a bit churchy.  Easter does that to me.  God is alive, and all around me.  I just don’t always feel it or talk about it.  Kind of personal…

Post Race

Date: 3/19/2008 5:45 PM
Type: Easy
Course: Post Race Short
Distance: 2.39 miles
Duration: 23:57
Pace: 10:02 / mile
Shoe: Asics
Weight: 🙂
Weather: 64° F, Windy
Statistics: Calories: 320
VO2 Max: 29

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It was a post run for sure.  I can’t believe that I could actually run 7.45, and tonight 2.4 was tough.  Calves are tight, breathing was labored.  Chalked it up to my Golden Gate Bridge snobbery.  Heh.

I loved the movie Chariots of Fire, and this is timely, for Easter.

The true story of two British track athletes competing in the 1924 Summer Olympics. One is a devout Scottish missionary who runs for God, the other is a Jewish student at Cambridge who runs for fame and to escape prejudice.

It may be time to watch this movie again.  As you know, I put music on that inspired me in each run.  Tonight, it was the memory of watching that movie in my church in Tarzana, St. James Presbyterian

I try to listen to music that will help me push through a tough run.  When I listen to Patriotic music, I visualize the men and women in Iraq, who would love to be able to run a few miles in 65 degree weather.  Listening to the theme song from Chariots of Fire, I am reminded of people who live by their uncompromised strong values. 

 

I know a few people like that.

Cherokee Maiden

Date: 3/11/2008 4:30 PM
Type: Long
Course: TKD Loop
Distance: 5.21 miles
Duration: 1:00:20
Pace: 11:06 / mile
Shoe: Asics
Weight: 🙂
Weather: Overcast
Notes: Wow. I thought I ran a better pace.
Statistics: Calories: 728
VO2 Max: 27.1

I was really surprised that I ran so slowly.  Wow.  I thought I was flying. 

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So, I’m about 3 miles in, when Cherokee Maiden, by Merle Haggard comes on my playlist.  I start bawling, sobbing, snot running down my face and singing out loud–all during the run.  Seriously, I was glad that there weren’t a LOT of drivers going by, but I’m sure the ones who saw me thought I was losing it.  I was.

Back in 1978, I met a boy.  Married him in 1994, and ended up in court with him this morning, getting near the end of our marriage.  It didn’t end well.  Mostly I was saddened at how this journey went.  We have great kids.  Always will.

Back story:  In 1978, we would sit outside the AGR (Alpha Gamma Rho) fraternity at Fresno State, and sing sappy country songs.  Clay and Rick (who has since passed away) were loud, partying, and fun.  I remember them singing Cherokee Maiden.  A lot.  

So, when this came on today, I ached.  I hurt.  I sobbed.  Loudly.

Running is my best salve right now, though.  I’m grateful.

Reminding myself that I have my dignity.

I took myself out to dinner last night.  Alone.  To the local, darling new grille in our town.  I ordered a 6 oz. steak, and a salad.  It’s all I wanted.  I didn’t want the shrimp, just the beef, thank you.

I’m talking with the owner, who is not a local.  I married in to this small town in 1994, but I’m still not considered a local.  So, I’m having this nice conversation with her, and I realize she is partner’s with my husband’s cousin. 

I’m divorcing in this very small town.  I can’t go anywhere without running into a former *relative*.  I don’t gossip with anyone as I stand in line at my favorite Starbucks.  Everyone knows my husband.  Everyone has enough money to live as they need, while I . . . let’s just not go there.  Two kids, two dogs, keeping the house afloat.  I’m always reminded that I don’t have the social clout any longer.  That I don’t have what I did have…

But.  I have my dignity.

Which is why I took myself out to dinner.  I can go out alone.  I’m approaching 50 years old, and I have earned the right to not feel bad on *date night* Saturday. 

Do I sound bitter? 

I’m not certain, but I may be depressed.  I think you’re supposed to be sad when you end a marriage of 14 years.   Thank God that running has been the catalyst to lift my spirits, even on horrible days.  Thank God that my body can still function, and that I can get up and run.

Meanwhile, it hurts.

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